I am Matt, 39 and a father of three with Post Natal Depression of four years and recently again of just 6 weeks, this is my journey through PND.
Hanging in heavy, feeling an anchor to myself. The sea is deep and possibly the very darkest of those sea blues in which I have ever seen, the storms are rolling in and the tides are getting higher, but can I ride them?
Many emotions have come and gone, anger. frustration. Rejection. Feeling hopeless with a chip on my shoulder, tearful and uptight alongside being sleep deprived and working to bring in the money and live up to the stigma of a ‘working dad’ despite my emotions of in balanced hormones that raged deeply inside me tipping me from one extreme to the other as things in life become stacked around.
Towards the sweet bundle of joy, so innocent and so small, in whom I helped to make and bring into this world I felt so much rage towards them at times
Being a guy, watching movies has been one of my biggest past times growing up into the man I am today I often thought by going into the garage and screaming, shouting and destroying things around me would physically enable me to somehow feel better and that I would get a ‘movie style’ format of release.
So I would be found with my head hanging low making my way to my ‘man space’ in otherwords the garage or the shed thinking to myself just what I would do to release these hormones (yes men too have them) so, I pulled a random plantpot out and squeezed my hands around it before placing it back where it belonged…. my head ticking over I found deep within me I really did not want to break anything, this was not me it was something else as I looked around with my eyes full of ready tears to drop down my gaunt over tired non expressional face, I became hopeless and closed the door and burst out into tears.
A guy who has always been able to keep his cool, was so laid back he may as well of been horizontal and was a role model for many younger children in his family, how could I end up like this? Seconds away from smashing loved items within a family household and still at times many months later I find myself repeating this phrase of my journey. Picking it up, squeezing it tight and putting it back on a shelf (not the baby silly, the plantpot!)
Out of nowhere the emotions come all from the moment the baby come out from the womb, how could I even think like this after waiting so long!
I felt like I was relapsing into childhood tantrums of kicking of screaming but so much worse and in adult format too. I felt beyond my own inner self and taking those steps back to try and see what would be the bigger picture in to my very own human limitations was a lethal weapon and hurt so much with the sleep deprivation becoming worse as I battled both physically and emotional as I come to terms with the new teething problems first time parents have alongside the balanced hormones and being a guy?! Going around and around in my own thoughts like salt to old wounds trying to prevent myself from feeling hopeless with the stress of personal weakness felt neverending, I felt a failure.
So I confess that as a father most days some type of guilt creeps up inside me and completely grabs my heart string and I find myself thinking I should of done more.
So I confess that I love my family so much that within these moments I overwhelm myself into such a emotional and physical state and can sometimes take off like a jet plane and have to fly the turbo and ground myself softly with a landing.
So I confess that my anger within has been dormant for many years and it took a baby, my own flesh and blood in whom I love so much to make me see. Doesn’t make sense huh?
So I confess that although I do not see a light, I hold hope on the good days in that I have that the light will shine again, not just for me but my family and to understand just how far I have come on my journey as I give my own self the time to heal at the pace I need and that the moments of outbursts become few and far between as we settle down to our family life and that I find myself again as these moments do not define the person I am nor the capable and loving father I shall be and that the hormones can be powerful and rage on, I can crash with sleep deprivation and often loose my mind – But I am me.
So I confess that I must be doing ok for my children are awesome and are well and happy and are breathing, and that I need to continue in seeking support and help and understanding that I am a dad and I am enough for each of my children and that I am IMPERFECT but I am ME.
PND and Me 